Yes, I got married at just 22 years old… At the time (not so long ago), I knew a few couples who married young (let’s say, married under 25). But I see that it’s not so rare, after all! If you, too, are on the path to marriage while all your friends are still big teenagers, or if you simply have questions about getting married earlier than most people, this article is for you.
Getting married before 25, should you avoid it?
Depending on who you talk to, you’ll sometimes come across strong opinions like, “If you get married at your age, you’re wasting your youth!” I’ve had a few comments that were that direct, but believe me, when I got engaged at just 19, I saw more worried looks than congratulatory smiles!
In some circles, it is common to marry young, even very young (at 18, for example). Conversely, in other circles, it is frowned upon. My parents had a hard time swallowing the pill, and some of their friends even told them that they would never have accepted that their children would marry so young. Times are changing; what was the norm a century ago is often seen as an error of judgment today.
In fact, of all the couples I know who married young, none regret their choice. My husband’s family is also a subscriber to early marriages, starting with my in-laws, who married at 21 and 22… and, decades later, nothing differentiates them from couples who married later (except that they are grandparents while most of their friends the same age still have young children ).
Age-related constraints
Getting married young indeed involves certain constraints that older couples do not encounter. The first of these is financial independence… If the studies are not completed, the couple is not financially independent and cannot provide for their own needs and those of their future children, which makes it very difficult to consider marriage calmly. Fair financial independence is a crucial issue and a real trap into which young couples in their 20s can fall.
This control can be observed before marriage and during the engagement, with parents sometimes imposing certain studies on their children without considering their future marriage plans. There can also be blackmail concerning the organisation of the “big day”: parents may refuse to participate in the wedding costs if it takes place before graduation, for example.
I know several couples (including myself) who got married before finishing their studies. In my opinion, this is not a problem as long as the couple has complete financial independence. Thus, my husband and I were able to manage, through work-study programs and student jobs, to pay for a significant portion of the wedding and be financially independent once married.
Leaving your parents is a real challenge.
Leaving your parents, as the Bible teaches us, is a challenge at any age. But this is especially true for young couples. When I started dating the man who would become my husband, it was a real shock to my parents, who did not expect me to get into a relationship at 18. They even admitted to me that they had considered forbidding me from seeing my future husband, which would have been easy for them because he and I did not live in the same city, and I did not yet have a license.
For many parents, it can be not easy to let their child go early. And as a child, it is also not easy to leave your parents while you still live with them and depend on them financially. I was thus torn during my entire engagement between my loyalty to my parents and the loyalty I wanted to have towards my future husband. I was still in an intense idealisation (and even idolization) of my parents, whom I was terrified of disappointing.
This can happen at any age, of course. However, when we enter a relationship before we have begun the process of distancing ourselves from our parents (which is a normal and inevitable part of life), this process is then experienced simultaneously with the formation of the couple, which is far from obvious. We must be aware of this, even if in some cases it goes very well (fortunately!).
Get support
Parents may seek to help the couple in the manner of a chaperone, worried about their children so young, and wanting to prevent them from making mistakes. However, this is something that must be avoided at all costs due to the parental control that this situation entails. The lack of confidence, frequent and regular, of young fiancés is very often used against them by their parents (more or less consciously). From help to control, there is only one step, which can be quickly crossed…
This does not mean that you should not be accompanied, on the contrary! It is essential for every couple, and even more so for a young couple. Be careful to choose someone with a broad perspective – it is challenging to be both judge and jury. A priest, a nun, or an older couple can be excellent companions, provided that they are available enough to answer your questions and take the time to listen to you.
And if I may give you a piece of advice: choose someone with whom you can speak truthfully, without pretence. Someone in front of whom you can be vulnerable. Someone who does not have preconceived judgments about the couple and life. For many engaged couples, support often focuses on discussing a few key points (such as chastity, premarital thinking, communication, etc.), while essential subjects and real difficulties are barely addressed or even avoided (parent-child relationships, couple freedom, the weight of the past, past wounds, etc.).
