Let’s go back to basics
What is an engagement? For some, it starts with the marriage proposal. For others, it is a celebration to bring the two families together and make the relationship official (or announce the wedding date). For others, it is a somewhat old-fashioned term that was used in the past but no longer has any meaning today.
In reality, engagement refers to the couple’s period of discernment regarding marriage. If this discernment happens very early in the relationship, or even from the beginning, you enter the time of engagement at that moment. The word “discernment” is very important because it is the key to engagement:
Getting married without taking the time for discernment that is an engagement is very dangerous, especially when you know that the sacrament of marriage binds you to the other person for your entire life! That is why an engagement is so precious, and why you cannot reduce it to a simple “marriage proposal.” And the good news is that you will have help to discern!
The engagement celebration
In the Roman ritual, there is a special blessing for the engaged couple, which is precisely intended to help them move towards marriage and make a choice together: either to get married or to end the relationship. It is often said that engagements are made to be broken, hopefully through marriage, but of course, it can happen that discernment shows us that we are not called to marry our fiancé(e).
Concretely, the blessing of the fiancés includes a reading of the Word of God, a common prayer, the exchange of signs of promise between the fiancés (this can be the traditional engagement ring, but not necessarily) followed or not by a blessing of the objects, and finally a prayer of blessing on the fiancés. It is of course possible to sing songs, to take a time of praise, to begin by saying a rosary all together to entrust the couple… On the other hand, this blessing of the engagement cannot take place during a mass.
Engagement is not a “pre-marriage”
For our discernment to be as lucid and enlightened as possible, we need to have some perspective on the other person and the situation. This is why the blessing of the engagement is not a sacrament, and why any resemblance to the celebration of marriage should be avoided. It is also to allow you to fully maintain your freedom concerning the other person because freedom is one of the pillars of marriage! It is not because you are engaged that you are obliged to get married afterward, quite the contrary.
The betrothal blessing puts God at the heart of your relationship (you will marry Him at the same time as your spouse on your wedding day, remember ). It is a very special blessing on each of you, on your mutual discernment, on your love. It is a wonderful gift from God for your relationship, which reminds you that it is always God who unites, who teaches you to love, and that He cares about you.
So don’t hesitate to ask for this blessing, even if you’ve only been together for a few weeks or months. No need to shout to the world afterward that you’re engaged, if that seems too “committal” to the other! On the other hand, the sooner you put God at the center of your relationship, the better. It will also be valuable during the various trials and difficulties that generally occur during engagements:
- To remain pure and wait for marriage to unite sexually
- To keep your freedom to marry or not until the end (it is better to cancel the marriage the day before than to commit without freedom!)
- To hold on despite possible pressure from those around you, in one direction or another
- To leave your parents and family
- In order not to be blinded and to make a solid and informed choice
- To not be afraid of commitment and long-term loyalty
- And of course to know the other better, to love him better, to better prepare to become one with him!
Our Testimony
My husband and I were clear from the beginning that we wanted to move toward marriage. That didn’t mean we would necessarily get married, or that every conversation we had revolved around it. But for us, there was no way we would date if we knew in advance that we wouldn’t marry each other.
The first months of our relationship were very difficult. We were very young, with very different personal histories – and many differences between us in general. Our families were divided about us and we went from conflict to conflict with them. We had no role models of couples our age around us, and we felt lost.
While we were thinking of ending our relationship because the difficulties were so heavy, we decided to get engaged. This is how 7 months after the beginning of our relationship, we received from a priest this blessing of the engagement that I spoke to you about above. I was just 19 years old and my husband was still 17
We got married three years later, and the least we can say is that this blessing was not a magic wand that put an end to the trials! All our engagements were very difficult, long, and even endless in our eyes. But we are very clear about the fact that without God, our couple would have fallen apart. We were a programmed failure! The Lord took care of our couple like no one else, made our love grow with each new obstacle, and led us to marriage when we no longer believed in it.
Yes, putting the Lord at the center from the beginning of your relationship is essential.
We are living proof of that! And being engaged during this time of trial gave us extra strength. It was a constant reminder to us that God wanted our best (blessing = saying good things), that He was part of our relationship, and that we could lean on Him.
So of course, this blessing of the engagement is not obligatory. But I can only encourage you to do it, and as soon as possible. If your families do not understand the meaning of your approach, do not hesitate to explain to them that the engagement is not a pre-marriage and that it is simply a blessing intended to help you in your discernment! You can also talk about it to a trusted priest, who will be able to support you and possibly convince your dear parents (who knows?)
Married couples reading this, how did you experience your engagement? And you, singles, or young couples starting a relationship, how do you plan to experience this period? Did you know that there is a special blessing for engagements?