Being in a relationship is a challenge, probably the challenge of a lifetime! It is also a place of great blessings because where the Cross abounds, grace abounds all the more (to quote Romans 5:20 )… For this challenge, we are therefore over-equipped, but we still need to be aware of it and live our sacrament of marriage to the fullest. In this article, I will share with you 5 powerful habits that can change everything in our lives as a couple – the list is of course non-exhaustive.
1 Pray together
Marital prayer is one of the essential foundations of a couple. It is what binds us to each other at the soul level, an exceptional place of blessings for our marriage and our love. No wonder it is also a place of combat! This marital prayer does not replace our prayer, it complements and enriches it.
Concretely, how to pray as a couple? The key is to pray according to your unique sensitivity as a couple, the fruit of your two unique sensibilities as sons and daughters of God. If the man is very charismatic and the woman swears by the rosary, you may feel that your spiritual lives are irreconcilable. On the contrary! Even if it can take time, finding your way of praying together is deeply enriching and will allow you to become fully “one” at the soul level.
Father Philippe de Maistre, in his podcast Les bonnes questions à se poser avant le marriage, available on the youPRAY app, talks about the “spirituality of the peppercorn”: the peppercorn is “the thought, the concern, the joy, what dominates your heart when you fall asleep”. It is about sharing it with your spouse, who will then entrust it to God – whether it is a worry related to work, the excitement of a football match won, or the poorly digested argument from two hours ago. It is a very good communication exercise combined with a real moment of conjugal prayer!
In any case, conjugal prayer is a daily prayer, not a monthly or annual one. It is better to be realistic when setting it up, because you may have difficulty praying for an hour together every evening (but if not, go for it!)… According to Abbé de Maistre, the couple’s prayer should not last more than three minutes! What matters is to be faithful to it and to experience a real moment of communion that will be precious for the rest of the day.
2 Make love
Another essential pillar of the couple is, that sexuality is a powerful place of grace, love, and healing. A place of combat too, just like prayer – the combat is equal to the stakes… We understand better why this area is generally sensitive for couples, with its share of wounds and difficulties.
To be united with one’s wife and become one flesh has been in God’s plan since the beginning. The first mention of this “one flesh” is found in Genesis ( Gen 2:24 ), before the occurrence of original sin. Sexuality is therefore not incidental, nor is it devoted solely to procreation; nor is it a consequence of sin, even if it is of course tainted by sin, which pushes us to use the other instead of loving him.
3 Dream together
Nothing is more motivating in a couple than making plans together! Without joint projects, routine sets in, and the other’s little faults quickly seem exacerbated. Conversely, building together is deeply exhilarating, and a source of communion for the couple.
So what are your shared dreams? Short-term, medium-term, and long-term? Do you take a moment from time to time to dream together? Do you know each other’s deep aspirations, the desires that motivate them, the projects that excite them? Have you asked God to enlighten you on your conjugal mission, the unique mission that he entrusts to your couple?
Dreaming is good, as long as actions follow. If you spend your time imagining a house but never start building it, you are not likely to live there one day! It is up to you to discern as a couple and with the Lord about your calling, about each of your common desires, to dare to respond to them when the time comes, or on the contrary to move on to something else if this project does not come from God. But never stop dreaming together, having a vision, undertaking! Your couple is made to be fruitful, and not only biologically speaking.
4 Be an instrument of blessings
As Saint Peter explains, we are called to “invoke blessings upon others.” And when we are in a relationship, the first person to benefit from this blessing is, of course, our spouse! However, we are often more in the habit of complaining about them or pointing out their countless little faults than of blessing them. The question is worth asking: are we an instrument of curses or blessings for our spouse?
Concretely, wrap your spouse in blessings by constantly praying for him and praising the Lord for all that he is. When a word of curse towards him comes to your mind (“He left his dirty socks lying around again” – “She is incapable of being concise when she speaks” – “How annoying he can be”…), refuse to entertain it and replace it with a blessing: “Blessed are You Lord for the qualities of my spouse” or even “Be praised Lord for this spouse so different from me, who pushes me to get out of my comfort zone”. With a little creativity, anything is possible!
Blessing others also means complimenting them, encouraging them, saying good things about them, and having confidence in them. When faced with everyday annoyances, learn to hold your tongue and stop the constant recriminations that are a real poison for your relationship! If a bad habit of your spouse worries you, first entrust it to God. The more reasons you have to complain about your spouse, the more it should push you to bless them. Of course, this also applies to your children and everyone around you.
5 Get in the fight for your spouse
This is an important but rarely discussed topic… There is a real spiritual battle around the couple and marriage, and therefore around the husband and his wife. The battle that surrounds the father is not the same as the one that surrounds the mother. But this battle is real and we often miss it.
One of the devil’s best tricks is to make spouses fight against each other instead of fighting with and for each other. When faced with a problem, we often tend to fight each other, blaming our spouse for the problem! Far from solving the problem in question, we create new ones and fight against our marriage.